Helping Your Secular Schools Respond to This Moment: Advice for Parents

As rabbi-educators at large synagogues in New York, we were not surprised when our inboxes were flooded with emails from parents expressing their frustration and concern with their schools’ responses to the October 7th Hamas terrorist attack on Israel. They wanted advice on reacting to statements from their schools that failed to directly call out terrorism or express compassion and concern for the Jewish community. In some cases, schools that had condemned other world events were silent in the face of a massacre in Israel. In other cases, schools allowed antisemitism from teachers or students to go unchecked.

After spending so much time speaking to families, we realized that there are some best practices that can help support other parents as they work with their schools in the coming weeks and beyond.

First and most importantly, parents need to ensure that their child is physically and emotionally safe in school. At the absolute minimum, that is what schools need to provide and parents should take issues of safety as high up in the administration as they need to ensure their child’s well-being. If a child doesn’t feel safe speaking up — or even if it is just too much for them — look for supports in the larger Jewish community who may be able to help, like your local synagogue or federation or a national organization like the American Jewish Committee or the Anti-Defamation League. It is not the responsibility of Jewish parents or children alone to fix antisemitism in their schools.

Just as parents seek out allies in the larger Jewish community, they also should do so inside their own schools before speaking to the school administration. That could be other parents, teachers, or other administrators, whether Jewish or not. Parents shouldn’t feel obligated to wait for schools to create a specific Jewish affinity group. Parents can initiate it in an official or unofficial capacity and find ways for the Jewish members of the community to gather, support one another, and share traditions.

Once parents connect with allies, the next step is to define the goal: what do you want schools to actually do around issues of Israel and antisemitism? Some possible goals include: using clear language that names and condemns antisemitism, terrorism, and violence; offering continuing support to the Jewish community; including antisemitism in their DEI work, as President Biden’s Department of Education has recommended; adjusting their curriculum to share a wider picture of what it means to be Jewish (and not only by teaching about the Holocaust or Israel); and acknowledging and celebrating Jewish joy and traditions, including Jewish American Heritage Month in May.

These conversations with schools are not easy, but they are vital. Parents need to approach their schools with a clear plan, rather than leading with raw emotion. Parents should focus on building a partnership for the long term and not just responding to this one moment in time; that is how we make lasting change.

One thing to keep in mind is that schools do not have to teach about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict if they do not have faculty who are experts on the subject. There is no perfect, unbiased curriculum that parents can hand to schools that will equip them to teach about these charged issues. But what schools can and should do, is teach students media literacy, around both traditional and social media starting from a young age. It would help everyone approach difficult and complex topics with nuance and empathy, rather than continuing to repost and react to disinformation.

Speaking personally to parents as you are working with your schools, do not forget that synagogues are a place of Jewish gathering, where we want you and your child to feel supported, safe, connected, and proud of their Jewish identity. The educators, cantors, and rabbis are resources and are equipped to teach complex topics in a way that is thoughtful, historically accurate, and steeped in Jewish values. If you are not a member of a synagogue, now is a great time to join. And if you are, now is a great time to renew your connection to your community. We are stronger together.

Rabbi Rena Rifkin is the director of youth education at New York’s Stephen Wise Free Synagogue and Rabbi Rebecca Rosenthal is the director of youth and family education at New York’s Central Synagogue.

“WE’VE DONE OUR BEST WITH YOU,” Rabbi Ammi Hirsch told our graduating high school seniors as they gathered in our sanctuary. “You have been given all the tools to lead productive Jewish lives — and to make a difference in the world. And this is it! From now on, Jewishly, you’re on your own.”

Then the graduates approached the ark to receive individual blessings from Rabbi Hirsch, who spoke quietly to each one before they left the bimah.

As part of our Religious School’s end-of-year siyyum ceremony, our clergy took the opportunity to honor not only our younger students, but also the 30 high school seniors who have been part of the Stephen Wise Free synagogue community for their formative years — some of them since they were tots at our Early Childhood Center.

“We wanted our high school graduates to reflect on their time at Stephen Wise, on how the community has impacted them, and to remember the special moments before they head off to wherever their journeys take them,” explained Rabbi Rena Rifkin, who heads our Religious School as director of youth education. “And we wanted younger Religious School students to see themselves as the future teens of the community — and see how we honor them and how they continue to be part of our synagogue.”

On a bittersweet note, our high school graduates were sent off with gifts to carry into the next chapters of their lives. In addition to blessings, each of them was given certificates signed by our clergy as tokens of their educational achievements along with travel editions of “Mishkan T’filah” generously donated by the Women’s Organization so they can stay connected to their Judaism wherever life takes them.

“It’s exciting to watch these kids bring their Jewish values out into the world…and it’s even more exciting for them to come back over the years and see how the seeds we planted have bloomed,” said Rabbi Rifkin.

To better prepare our high school students to live out and take pride in their Judaism in the next phases of their lives, Rabbi Rifkin and Rabbi Tracy Kaplowitz teamed up to offer programming throughout the year — including a course on Israel and discussion of antisemitism and anti-Zionism on college campuses.

Jewish identity building is cumulative, says Rabbi Rifkin, and it breaks her heart when she sees Jewish education stopping at age 13. “You wouldn’t stop teaching math after seventh grade and you wouldn’t expect someone who skipped algebra to be able to do calculus,” she says. “It’s important that our kids keep going. A massive amount of development happens in the teenage years — that’s when you start really discovering who you are.”

If you’re interested in helping your children discover and deepen their Jewish identities, we invite you to learn more about our Religious School at swfs.org/rs.

“IT WAS LIKE WE HIT THE DOUBLE JACKPOT,” recalls Melissa Glassman.

When Melissa and Ken, who met as undergrads at Yale Hillel’s Kosher Kitchen, were looking for a preschool for their son, they fell in love with our Early Childhood Center — and were blown away the following night when they came for Kabbalat Shabbat services. “The rest was history,” Melissa says.

Both of their children, Noah and Lilah, attended the ECC and Religious School before becoming b’nai mitzvah on our bimah. Now they wake up early on Sundays — no small feat for high schoolers — to support Rabbi Rifkin and help teach younger students as madrichim (teaching assistants) in our Religious School.

A pediatrician and breastfeeding medicine specialist at Columbia University Irving Medical Center, Melissa has dedicated her career to supporting new mothers and their infants while expanding access to care, especially for low-income, Medicaid-insured patients. Ken oversees investments for a family office and is deeply engaged in civic life as the former chair of Arbor Rising and former vice chair of Ethical Culture Fieldston School’s board of trustees. The Glassman family enriches our community through their philanthropy, education and activism.

And what is there to say about Robert A. Caro? He’s been awarded every literary prize including two Pulitzers and two National Book Awards for his biographies of Robert Moses and Lyndon B. Johnson, and he is a dedicated member of Stephen Wise. “The Power Broker: Robert Moses and the Fall of New York” and his four-volume biography “The Years of Lyndon Johnson” are essential readings that have left an indelible mark on our understanding of our city and country.

In Jewish tradition, there are three crowns, and the crown of a good name — a shem tov stands above all. At our Spring Benefit this June 5th, Stephen Wise Free Synagogue will bestow the Shem Tov Award — our highest honor — upon Melissa and Ken Glassman for their boundless humanity, generosity and dedication to Jewish life. And, for the first time since 1999, Stephen Wise will present its Lifetime Achievement Award to Robert A. Caro for his outstanding work that has changed our world for the better.

We hope you’ll join us in celebrating our community at this year’s Spring Benefit, where Robert will sit down for an intimate conversation with Lizzie Gottlieb, director of the film, “Turn Every Page,” which explores Robert’s relationship with his longtime editor and Lizzie’s father, Robert Gottlieb. RSVP or donate at swfs.org/spring.

LILY* WAS BESIDE HERSELF when her six-year-old daughter’s school notified her about an antisemitic incident in the classroom this past December. Another first grader reportedly told his classmates something along the lines of: “I hate Jews. All Jews should die. And everyone who celebrates Hanukkah — I want to kill.”

This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened to her family at their progressive private school, but it was certainly the worst. “I love my school and my kids are happy there,” says Lily, but she doesn’t feel that her daughter or the other Jewish families received enough support after the incident.

So when Lily and her family attended Friday night Shabbat services that week, she spoke with Rabbi Rena Rifkin, our director of youth education. “I think for some kids, it’s a natural reaction to feel ashamed or to not really understand what they’ve experienced,” says Rabbi Rena. “Our kids have great sensitivity to and depth of emotion around discrimination and racism. But children — and adults, too — often don’t understand antisemitism in that context because it’s so personal and because in New York, we’re a little sheltered.”

“This was the first year my daughter was enrolled in the Religious School, so she already knew the rabbis,” says Lily. “When I asked her if she wanted to tell them what happened, she opened up. Sometimes it helps to have someone besides your parents to talk to — and Rena was able to say things I wouldn’t have thought of.”

That’s part of why it’s so important to have a community to fall back on, Rabbi Rifkin explains, and “to have a place where being Jewish is normal and safe.” And that’s exactly why Lily had enrolled her children at our Religious School in the first place: “It’s one thing to have a couple of Jewish classmates who also celebrate Hanukkah,” she says. “But to have a true sense of belonging — that’s the kind of feeling you can get only at Hebrew school.”

For Rabbi Rena, it’s a matter of instilling Jewish pride: “If the only conversations we’re having with our kids regarding Judaism are about people not liking us because we’re Jewish, then that’s a real problem, right? So we have to have a place to experience the beauty and joy that is Judaism. If we don’t have that, then what are we standing up for?”

Learn more about how our Religious School is the perfect place for your children to explore their Jewish identities and become proud of their heritage. Visit swfs.org/enroll.

*Name has been changed to protect the family’s privacy.

“CLIMATE CHANGE DIRECTLY AFFECTS EACH OF US,” says eighth grader Julia Rosenthal. “And it’s something that’s in our power to mitigate.”

She along with 27 other eighth and ninth graders from Stephen Wise Free Synagogue and Temple Israel of New York City, traveled to New Orleans over the Martin Luther King, Jr. weekend.

In the pre-dawn hours of January 13, the group of teens departed for John F. Kennedy International Airport and landed in New Orleans just before lunch. This four-day trip, part of our post-b’nai mitzvah teen program, explored the complex and rich history and culture of New Orleans through a Jewish and environmental lens.

“New Orleans is a remarkable place to learn about climate change and the intersection with civil rights,” says Rabbi Rena Rifkin, who leads our Religious School as director of youth education. “Its rich Jewish history is very different from New York’s. We can learn about Jewish value of being God’s partners in caring for our world from both places in different ways.”

The group had an opportunity to see climate change firsthand as they explored the bayou, learning about the coastal restoration, marshlands and levees.

“At the Wharf on Bienvenu, we went on an eco-tour centered around the floodwater management infrastructure, which I found extremally interesting,” says ninth grader Noah Bilerman.

The group also visited several sites that delved into the racial history of the South and New Orleans, including the Whitney Plantation Ashé Cultural Arts Center, which celebrates the people, places and philosophies of the African diaspora. “It was a difficult topic,” recalls Julia. “As I heard the living stories, I felt pain in my chest, salt in my eyes.”

“The tour was very emotionally challenging, but was an experience I would never give up,” says Noah. “It made everyone on the trip think about what happened not very long ago.”

The budding community of teen travelers was also introduced to Louisiana’s historic Jewish community, celebrating Shabbat together at Touro Synagogue. The group also took in the culture of New Orleans, including Cajun kosher food and, of course, Café du Monde. On their final day, they visited Mardi Gras World, where the group learned about the history of the Mardi Gras parade.

“This is how we can teach and create Jewish life in the real world,” says Rabbi Rifkin. “It’s really important to build community outside the walls of our synagogue.”

MORE THAN 100 EARLY CHILDHOOD CENTER parents, teachers and guests gathered January 21 at Chez Zou for the “Miami Vice”-themed ECC Annual Auction raising some $120,000 to support our school.

Emceeing the live auction was comedian Seth “The Zog” Herzog, a regular performer on NBC’s “Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” and the father of two ECC students.

“It was awesome to see our parent community come together for such an incredible evening of fun in support of our school,” said Stacie Dattner, who co-chaired the auction with fellow ECC moms Hitha Herzog and Maria Selip. “The fabulous decor, the scrumptious food and drinks, plus the amazing auction items made Miami Vice a night to remember!”

Some lucky parents left the auction with prizes like a weeklong stay at the Four Seasons Nevis, two nights at the Montage Laguna Beach, VIP tickets to Cynthia Rowley’s Fashion Week fashion-comedy show, a rooftop magic show birthday party at Stephen Wise, a night out with Seth and some of his showbiz friends, and more.

The auction raised critical support for the Early Childhood Center’s operations, including funding our art studio and other facilities, STEM and library programs, specialist teachers and security for our children. “I’m overwhelmed by the generosity of our close-knit parent body,” said ECC Director Miriam Kalmar. “This was such a fun event, bringing together our teachers, parents and synagogue leaders to support the ECC and strengthen our community. Thank you to everyone who donated and helped make it such an amazing evening.”

Along with their parents, our ECC children helped prepare for the auction by hand-writing invitations and signs, producing artwork and appearing in a special video about the school. “What makes the ECC so special is there are lots of kids here and I love being with my friends and teachers,” explained one of our 4s/5s children.

It’s not too late to donate and support our Early Childhood Center! Visit swfs.org/ecc-give.

All photos by Ian Cooke.